To herself 2 (& someone else I guess...)

I have this feeling that I should not have..

I miss you..

Even if I know what I really miss is being on life holiday in the sweet arms with sweet kisses..

Even if I know I don't really know who I am missing, and so how can really miss them?

Even if the missing may not be reciprocated therefore what a pathetic missing it is...indeed..

Even if it is so silly and childish and weak of me to miss someone who I don't know and should not care about...

But I am missing....

you?

Or maybe it is something in me that is missing and so now it became more clear, but in confusion I call this 'you'?

Or maybe missing it and you is very healthy and  normal and right, and I should simply enjoy the corners of my mouth smiling at the thought of perhaps not missing anything any more since I am now

missing you....? :)

My (literary) past got lost, but perhaps for good?

Today I checked my blog, after over an 8 month break.. and lost all the most beautiful posts :(
I saw them online  - I read again the lines I wrote back then, they did not hurt even if what they talked about was real, and then beautiful, and then extremely painful... but I liked their beauty, and read them proud...

Then I lost them.... all these poetic lines - they seemed published, so i deleted their automatic drafts thinking these were only drafts... but then it turned out all was gone: my lines of falling in love, missing, of wanting to be the perfect lover to them who seemed perfect for me but who then told me it was not what he wanted and so I had to be lost...

I miss these lines: my poetry, my heart, my drafts, could have been great song ideas, but perhaps, since, perhaps someone new is on the horizon, perhaps this mistake was good for me?
Perhaps...

To herself 1

It came back, did it? After being lost, by Someone...

Or maybe she is coming back - this quirky teenage version of herself, maybe?

Now thinking of a boy with the cutest smile, with the warmest hugs, that boy, oh that boy.... :)

Far away now, but making her smile... from so far away, yet smiling so much... :)

That boy who was not supposed to come, was not supposed to like, was not supposed to stay, was not supposed to make her smile, it was definitely not supposed to happen - how dare you fate, cock up my plans so much, when I carefully decided all I wanted was some ego boost, short dates & quick compliments, then back to my hidden secret lonely life, and now that boy?

But maybe he'll stay, maybe she'll stay, who knows?

:)

To-someone 2

To someone

(else...?)

I miss missing you

even if we almost-never met,

but we shared something 
so unique and funny and sweet and special
so the only feeling to feel was

to miss…

I miss little tinglings in my skin 
at the thought of our chat,

at the thought of you

Even if I still don’t know who YOU are…

I miss special warmth in the deepest corridors of my heart 
when you said I looked beautiful

Even if it was just a normal day:
no make up, cheap skype camera,

nothing special, but for you…

I miss dirty jokes only we understood,

Separated by seas and cables and highways, 
and yet so close

Were we?

And now where are you?

There are days when you wait, and wait

And then waiting becomes you

Until you don’t wait anymore…

And you don’t want to share anymore…

And you stop being a loved up teenager

listening to most pop-ular easiest songs anymore…

And you stop seeing things 
in someone’s eyes anymore…

And you don’t miss anymore…

Or?

Give thanks even if for feeling your tears - artist gypsy life continues, Thanksgiving 2011

They always love my stories: hostel life, travelling from gig to gig, Asia now when in London every ray of sunshine is so desperately looked for and cherished. My married or office-bound friends whose life evolves around work, kids, work, home and on again never really 'complain' about their  more stable routine, but their eyes tell me they secretly nearly fantasize  about - in their minds - so 'carefree' freelance mix of shoots, make up change, rehearsals at last minute,
bus journey to the gig location, packing up your gear before dawn,
occasional dates in between or after.

Many often think, as one friend recently commented, that our "artist life is so easy".
After all we just come up on stage & sing or speak or dance & all is -  from the outside  - so exciting, alluring and fun, make up and costumes,
and then money in hand or via bank transfer. Dream right?

Yes, I love travelling and I feel blessed and thankful I was given this chance to stay in Asia a bit longer (after a month hotel residency contract, that was in itself 
a hell of a journey proving how tricky and difficult artist life can be...) 
with some performances on the way paying my way through  a different sort of 'winter'.

Yes I still can't believe after 14 years of being told I " would never sing", as doctors in the past gave my baby throat no chance, now I make a living by singing, and people seem to like it so much they invite me and thank me (bless them).

Yes I love meeting all these thousands of individuals from so many different countries, religions, colours, professions, ages; all the homeless cats and dogs I feed, all the weirdest dishes I taste, or  teas I try to try pestering bored shopkeepers to explain to me in their broken English every single ingredient.

Yes, I guess I am lucky that way. Yes, I gave away my business life of more preplanned but also wonderfully safe nine to whenever-the-boss-says, and exchanged it for the most unpredictable unmeasurable incomparable life of a freelance gypsy ((though I still do sales work)) .

I know I have things to be thankful for: if only the kindness of all those amazing people
who BELIEVE and want me to simply keep on singing...

And yet, I am also extremely unlucky perhaps,
because I believe both my my song-writing soul and my passion for  travel,
apart from the inborn insatiable unending inexhaustible curiosity for anything,
and further, and more, and again, and on the road one more time,
they both also feed on a desire to forget things I keep remembering...

No, this post is not a complaint.
Even if I will always repeat being an artist is NOT a choice, it chooses you, if anything.

I am thankful for having a chance tomorrow to sing at the opening of a new restaurant, because the owner for whom I sang in September in KL loved my voice so much he chose me as a "special star" for this event in Ipoh. To be here, I sadly had to decline a kind invitation from one of my Malaysian friends to spend this very unique holiday with her family in Singapore, and my singing salary will help me save for a few more weeks of Asian adventure. (I lost my return ticket, so have to stay on the hot continent,
 somehow, till end of Dec)

Yet, if you,  dear reader, now would like to congratulate me, please don't.
Because now, on Thanksgiving night, I am not with a family (sadly I probably never wouldn't...)
or dearest friends.
I type on my new best friend: a nameless red netbook, looking outside of the faceless hotel window, revising a list of songs for tomorrow.

No, it's not the case of greener grasses. There are things we chose, and there are things that are chosen upon us. If you can celebrate this beautiful day reminding us to give thanks for all our blessings with your loved ones, even if they are boring, and predictable, and uncle Sam keeps saying the same jokes he did over the past five years, cherish it. For some, whether artists or not, these jokes will never happen. They never did, there was never even a memory of uncle Sam.

And if you ever think artists are overpaid for that brief moment they appear in front of you,
almost like in a more distinguished sort of a circus, remember:
To sing like Amy W did, to write songs touching so many, helping so many,
to play so purely that you keep paying for albums and buying concert tickets,
to be such ARTIST in the deepest sense of this overused word you have to often spend years of loneliness, silence, tears, white wall in a hotel room, same dinner with a piano,  misunderstandings and insults.
It is far from easy, because it goes right from the heart.

And yes, I did not chose it, but I love it.
Even if I may have tears as companions on this Thanksgiving night, I am thankful too.
Especially to all my friends who I know think of me when I enter another stage.

And one day, I hope, in between travels, shows, and all that chaos, a someone will sing me that song, and we  will also have some house dinner routine,  and some boring but so happy family life somewhere... :-)

Happy Thanksgiving All 

Blog-iku nr 8

It came back
Are you 'too much' again
or someone long ago gave not enough?

It seemed so
one more embarrassing time
as if all these instances when you were
too delicate, too outspoken,
too strong, too passionate, too joyful,
too 'artistic'
(as if that word meant anything 
apart from not meaning anything more than 
a 'cliche' to so many)
were not already too much for you

and then what can you do with all this?

gather it all, thought by thought,
carefully finish packing, memory by memory,
remember to smile before you leave,
open the door, skip taxi drivers,
walk straight to the bus station
sit down, headphones at hand
and just listen

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m-NXytnQGkI&NR=1

and :

" ... so you can hurt me so bad
but i ll still raise the flag..."

then take it all out, in every note, bit by bit
and remember to smile
and thank the audience :)


(( my 2 gigs in Ipoh this weekend - can't wait :-))

Blog-iku nr 7

Sometimes you forget who you are
or you know all along, but you want to hide it, because it hurts?

Some people seem nicest ever
only to crash you & ridicule every particle in you
and the worst is they really are nice
and they will never realise what they did
and they hurt as well seeing how they hurt you
after they left most unpleasant after feel of a very pleasant encounter...

Thankfully some others bring you back to smile,
to peace
in such obvious ways
in such silly obvious gestures

and then some songs remind you
even if you lost yourself
you'll find it again, in seconds
all you need, all you ever wanted to be
even if it gets crashed on and on

ps check regina's official video to this song, for some reason i can't upload it here