Sometimes the simplest things need to be reminded...

I know far too well how I can sometimes  be this lost gypsy child who never feels welcome, who never feels belonging, who never feels needed, who never feels she should stay...

You can blame it on the fact that when I was two-months old my mom had to leave me for over two weeks (she got very sick) & in semi-professional psychological terms I have very typical syndromes of a very standard "abandoned child".. Or say that (because the family never has been a family? or without a reason...) I am artistic, sensitive, delicate, blah blah blah whatever, does it matter when you feel it & even the friendliest hug cannot make it stop? and it's like a darkness around you & making you sometimes almost not able to breathe, until you consciously remind yourself you are not a child & you have worked on it & you can handle it in an adult way? Or at least you pretend to yourself you can..?

And then sometimes reality is so bluntly telling you how irrelevant,  weak and pathetically simply untrue that darkness is? Because most boring or perhaps menial simple things remind you people do care, and do love, and do worry, and do think about you...

Like Y. calling me twice today to wake me up, like him coming back just to pick me up even if I could as well take a taxi on my own, but because he so simply cares, and likes me, he calls and drives through town again, and it is so simply normal that he offers to help his sleepy friend who got up too late, who was supposed to be ready hours earlier, for whom he had to drive to the hotel for the third time, who can be disorganised,  or chaotic at times. Like J. texting me to check how I am, like F. emailing me he misses me too.
There can be more sublime, more distinguished ways of telling you that, candles & cards, yes people give them too, but isn't it sometimes the silly obvious everyday unimportant little things that mean even more?

Someone once said to me: " Humans have always been rubbish at reminding each other of love they feel for one another.. You are loved, needed and appreciated.. The world is a better place with your influence..".

So simple. But how many times you forget it? How many times you refuse to believe it? How many times you cynically fight with it & throw stones at it, & shout at it saying it can never REALLY  be true? And you enumerate reasons to prove you are right, even if you would love to just simply sit down, shut up & never question it, ever...   

Like the washing liquid D. gave me when I had no more clean t-shirts, like  warm chicken soup she made for me when I was so sick, like the wireless password Y. had to check twice but he knew I needed some net so he did check & made sure I had it. The simplest things are not obvious sometimes. And we get lost. 

Yes life will bring that darkness back again, yes those same people can later get distracted, forget & hurt you beyond belief, just as you  may one day not realise the most irrelevant words you said made someone lose track of all. Yes we humans are masters of love but also masters of forgetting one another and ruining the most delicate fragile purest parts of us & our lives. That darkness can come again, & you will feel so alone, so unimportant, so unnecessary, & you may think of going away & later your friends will so much regret you did, regret they let you go...


And then sometimes we see it all again, and it is all so simple... :)